The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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