I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
