i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
