no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
