that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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