Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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