i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugly people sure do ruin things
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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