I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize