He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
