I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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