what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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