apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
