I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
