help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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