I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
