It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
