the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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