birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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