I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
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The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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