Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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