he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
