I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
