Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
