I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
