Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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