we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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