Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
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He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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