Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
