A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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