the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
nutella sex= disaster
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
