My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
