Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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