So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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