Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
