I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
