I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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