babies were throwing up all over the place
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
