I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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