So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
