happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You dont lie about slip and slides
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
