I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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