it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
