Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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