I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
