My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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