please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
