Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
