So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
