Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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