I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
