Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think people are normalizing furries
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
