i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my sisters under your porch take her home
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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