last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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