I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
