Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
