I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.