John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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